Monday, April 2, 2018

Edger by David Beem

*Go to bottom of post for a chance to win a $75 USD gift card on AMAZON

Edger by David Beem Meet Edger (Ed-jer), a twenty-six-year-old gadget retail dork destined to become the world’s first superhero! His superpower: the ability to channel the Collective Unconscious, a psychic network connecting the living and the dead. In his arsenal are the skills of Bruce Lee, the strength of Samson, the wisdom of the ages...and the dancing chops of Michael Jackson—including that one twisty foot move, crotch grab, and fedora tilt. But there's a catch... Like every psychic superpower to get administered through a hypodermic needle, this one comes with a prick. Someone seems to have misplaced the booster necessary for stabilizing his superpower. Without it, Edger has three days before his brain turns to pudding. Join our Dork of Destiny as he overcomes the world’s greatest butt, two rival Cluck-n-Pray gangs, an evil cow, a Green Bay Defensive Tackle, rifle-toting assassins—and a pair of stoners who inadvertently create the world’s first supervillain after a wild night on Twitter!

Excerpt-
Wang and Shmuel and Zuul

“All this is our fault,” says Wang, slumping into his chair.
Shmuel sighs and peers into the empty carton on the table in front of him at his finished breakfast, leftover takeout from the Happy Cock down the street. He chucks his chopsticks into the carton.
“What?” asks Wang.
“Still hungry.”
“Hungry? How can you think of food at a time like this?”
Shmuel shrugs. “You know I get hungry for the Dong Long Pork when I’m hungover. Hey.” He points to the laptop screen next to the takeout carton. “You see this thing with the gay terrorists? Watch this guy belly dance to ‘YMCA.’ He’s pretty good.”
“Dude!” yells Wang. “Your ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ moo-beast attacked the Eastern Seaboard, and all you can do is stare at that fat, hairy belly?”
“It’s not that fat.” Shmuel closes the laptop and sucks in his gut.
“Don’t you take that tone with me, Mr. I Love Dong Long Pork in the Morning. Let’s go through it again, since all you can do is watch Gay ISIS instead of focusing on the problem at hand: Tron-Tron. Now. Check it out. Cow-incidences abound. The nano-sized artificial intelligence we know as Tron-Tron opened his Twitter account about an hour after we lost Chicowgo at the porn store. Then I tweeted that thing about Tron-Tron sucking without the world domination, and it replies with all those weirdo tweets about green grass and utterly hurting his udders and slaughterhouses and shit. Now… I don’t know how it happened… I don’t know why it happened, but…clearly that frog man with the dart gun in the porn store shot Chicowgo in the butt with a Tron-Tron.”
“Whoa.”
“Shmuel, my friend, Chicowgo is gone. There is only Zuul.”

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David Beem enjoys superhero movies, taekwondo, and flossing. He lives in Djibouti with his family and crippling self-doubt. Help actualize David’s inner confidence. Visit his website today, and buy all the stuff.




www.davidbeem.com

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“…undeniably entertaining.” – Kirkus Reviews

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